The Price of Love
by HakureiIllusion
Summary: A short comedy story for Valentine's Day; Rinnosuke attempts to cash in on Valentine's Day by hosting a bachelorette auction, starring some of the girls. Results are less-than-stellar.


Introduction

So this is a short story for Valentine's Day. If it seems rushed, there's a very good reason for that—it was! I got the idea yesterday evening, and the whole thing came together over the course of about eight hours. I certainly wasn't able to do everything that I wanted with it, and I fear it may have ended in a very abrupt and boring way, but I hope that you at least find the concept as amusing as I did! I certainly enjoyed writing it, at least. The fast pace was pretty fun.

I should just warn you that this may conflict with your vision of certain characters, so if you can't take a joke, this might not be for you.

And for those who don't know what a bachelorette auction is, it's pretty much like what I wrote about here; except it's usually done on a stage like any other auction, rather than through video. And the profits usually go to charity, not the host's pocket.

So please, enjoy!

* * *

"Alright, now press this button here..." Nitori fiddled with the strange piece of equipment she had salvaged from Kourindou.

"Oh, I see the red dot flashing," Rinnosuke said, peering into the eyepiece. "That means it's recording?"

"Yeah, if everything inside it is hooked up correctly." Nitori took a step back and looked over the device, admiring her own handiwork. "Why'd you want this thing fixed up, anyway?"

Rinnosuke pushed up the bridge of his glasses. "A business venture. Valentine's Day is in a couple days, and I figure I can make a bit of money with this."

"...With a camera?" Nitori asked. "What are you gonna do?"

"Simple. Run a dating service."

Nitori raised an eyebrow. "Dating service?"

"Well, more like a bachelorette auction," Rinnosuke said. "I get a few desirable young women to answer questions about their personality, hobbies, and the like on film, show it to a group of guys, and let them bid on each girl. The highest bidder gets to take their girl on a date for Valentine's Day."

Nitori crossed her arms. "And where are you going to find a group of desirable women that don't already have plans for Valentine's Day?"

"You'd be surprised how many there are. Plus there are some who find this kind of thing exciting. And I've also offered to give each bachelorette a percentage of the money bid on them, for good measure. I've already recruited Marisa and both the Hakurei and Moriya shrine maidens," Rinnosuke said with a confident smirk.

"Hm... what about the girl that fixed the necessary equipment?" Nitori said, leaning uncomfortably close to Rinnosuke. "Does she get a cut?"

"Er, perhaps," Rinnosuke said, pushing Nitori out of his personal space. "But the main reason I offer a percentage to the bachelorettes is because it motivates them during the interview. The more charming they seem, the more money people will bid on them, resulting in higher pay for them."

"I want a flat rate then," Nitori said, putting a hand on her hip. "10,000 yen per video."

"S-so much...?!" Rinnosuke stuttered.

"Well, don't pay it if you don't want," Nitori smiled, "but if something were to happen to your camera, the entire thing would be a bust, wouldn't it? Consider the 10,000 to be my fee to ensure that the camera stays working throughout the entire thing."

"Urgh..." Rinnosuke sighed. He knew that Nitori was strong-arming him, but at the same time, he couldn't afford to lose his only means of recording the profiles. "Fine, then. But you'd better make sure this thing is working perfectly the entire time."

"Got it!" Nitori yelled excitedly. "It'll be the best yen you've ever spent, trust me!"

* * *

"Think of it as another set of eyes," Rinnosuke explained, "that anyone can look through at a later time."

"...The outside world's technology has come this far, huh...?" Reimu glanced over the camera, half-frightened and half-fascinated.

"It's on right now, Reimu," Rinnosuke reminded her.

"O-oh, right." Reimu sat down on a stool, one of the only pieces of furniture in the small room that Rinnosuke had set up. In fact, aside from the camera, herself, Rinnosuke, and their respective seats, the only other thing in the room was a backdrop that made it look like Reimu was sitting in front of her shrine.

"So let's start with the basics. Please tell us your name, age, and profession. And if you don't mind, your three sizes."

Reimu's face soured. "M-my name is Reimu Hakurei. I'm 18 years old, and the current Hakurei shrine maiden." She glanced around uncomfortably. "...And I don't know what 'three sizes' means."

"Ignore it, then. Tell us some of your hobbies."

"Hobbies? Hm..." Reimu buried herself in thought for a moment. "I enjoy relaxing outside with some tea or sake, regardless of the weather. Sometimes I like to sleep in late, especially on weekends."

Rinnosuke sighed. "Anything a little more exciting than lounging around?"

"Eh? What's wrong with relaxing?"

"...We'll come back to this question later," Rinnosuke muttered. He could tell this interview would be long and painful.

* * *

"Hey-o! My name is Marisa Kirisame! I'm 17 years old, and I'm a magician by trade." Marisa took another look at the cue cards Rinnosuke was holding behind the camera. "...Hey, Kourin, what does 'three sizes' mean?"

"...Ignore it," Rinnosuke sighed. "Maybe I should just take that question out. Anyway, you say you're a magician?"

Marisa blinked. "Uh... yeah? You know that, Kourin. Did you hit your head or something?"

"Of course I do, but your audience doesn't. Why don't you explain it in a little more detail?"

"Hm... well, it's a lot of hard work. I spend most of my day foraging for materials that I use for spells and potions, and a large chunk of my free time practicing."

"What kind of materials?"

"Mushrooms, mostly," Marisa said. "But I also gather a lot of different plants; sometimes their leaves, stems, or even roots. Oh, and sometimes I need to look for animals."

"Hm? Animals? You use their fur or something?"

Marisa nodded. "Usually fur or feathers. I often need their blood as well, but I try not to hurt them too bad. On rare occasions I may need urine."

"Er... maybe that's a good point to end this line of questioning," Rinnosuke smiled awkwardly.

"My least favorite," Marisa continued, either not hearing or just plain ignoring Rinnosuke's attempt to move along, "is when I need to specifically find male animals, since I need to extract some sem-"

"OKAY, NEXT QUESTION!" Rinnosuke yelled, cupping his hand over the camera lens.

* * *

"Sanae Kochiya, 18, priestess of the Moriya Shrine." Sanae gave a small bow.

"The Moriya Shrine, huh?" Rinnosuke nodded. "That's at the top of Youkai Mountain, right?"

"Yes it is," Sanae answered.

"I've heard that the footpaths up Youkai Mountain are very beautiful, perfect for a romantic walk perhaps?"

"Oh, around autumn or spring, yes," Sanae held up a finger, "but in winter, the snow makes it so dangerous that only the youkai can get around unimpeded. Once, I saw a group of teenage boys playing around near the top, when one tripped and slid down a steep incline of ice. He fell halfway down the mountain before one of the kappa managed to stop him. He had three broken ribs, a broken arm, two dislocated shoulders, and the entire trail down where he fell was dyed red with blood."

"...So, a romantic stroll along a scenic route would be out of the question?"

Sanae nodded. "Very much, yes."

* * *

"..." Rinnosuke sat silently.

"Well?" Remilia folded her arms across her chest. "Don't you have some questions to ask me?"

"Er... I had actually asked Ms. Izayoi to do this, not you..." Rinnosuke glanced behind Remilia, where Sakuya Izayoi was standing in impeccable posture, eyes closed with a gentle smile on her face.

"Hey, let's get one thing straight here," Remilia said loudly, jumping out of her seat and pointing at the camera. "Sakuya is my head maid, and no man is gonna take her away from me, got it? I don't care how lovable she is, she's mine!"

"Your words flatter me, Lady Remilia," Sakuya bowed.

"I, on the other hand," Remilia shuffled back into her seat, "am completely available! So, get on with it!"

Rinnosuke sighed. "Okay, okay... let's start, then..." He took one last glance toward Sakuya. _Such a missed opportunity_, he thought. "Name, age, and occupation, please."

"Remilia Scarlet. I'm 509 years old, and I'm a vampire."

Rinnosuke hesitated. "...Your occupation is 'vampire'?"

"Yes," Remilia huffed. "What of it?"

"N-nothing. Anyway, tell us a little something about yourself."

"I consider myself to be a connoisseur of tea," Remilia smiled.

"Is that so? What kind of tea is your favorite?"

"Lady Remilia prefers Oolong tea," Sakuya began, "usually with exactly one mound of sugar."

Remilia nodded in agreement.

"A... mound?" Rinnosuke scratched his head. "Is that even a concrete unit of measurement?"

Sakuya blinked. "Hm? Of course it is. Though depending on the essence, she may prefer more or less."

"Huh? 'Essence'?" Rinnosuke asked.

"Blood," Remilia said plainly, with an unusually natural smile on her face.

"Lady Remilia dislikes having too much sugar if type-B blood is used, since it masks some of the blood's taste. But type-O blood is quite bland, and could use a little extra sugar to sweeten it up."

Remilia nodded in confirmation.

"I-I don't think this is what our suitors would like to talk about," Rinnosuke cringed. "Blood is usually a bit of an awkward subject for a first date."

"No blood? Well, then, why am I even here?" Remilia pouted.

_I've been asking that this entire time_, Rinnosuke thought.

* * *

"The perfect first date, huh...?" Reimu placed a hand on her chin. "Hm... well, I'd like to do something outside... maybe take a walk up Youkai Mountain, see the beautiful scenery? Orin told me it's very nice around this time of year."

"...I've heard other things about it," Rinnosuke sighed, "but I can see why the corpse-carting cat might say that. Anyway, continue."

* * *

"My name is Byakuren Hijiri." Byakuren put her palms together and bowed. "I am the head nun of the Myouren Temple."

"And how old are you, Miss Hijiri?" Rinnosuke asked.

"Eh?" Byakuren touched a finger to her lips. "Um... I... that is..."

"..." Rinnosuke waited patiently.

"...I don't know," Byakuren smiled, finally giving up.

"H-how do you not know?"

"Well, I was sealed away for so long," Byakuren frowned, "I don't exactly have the best concept of time."

"Well, how old were you before that happened?"

"Let's see..." Byakuren's eyes darted back and forth, as if scanning over a timeline of her life. "...I became a youkai in my late 20s... and everything after that just feels like one incredibly long day... though now that I think of it, it must have been a couple hundred years until I was sealed. My my, I wonder if I'm too old for this kind of thing?"

"Well, I'm sure many people would appreciate your maturity. I'm more concerned with... other things."

"Hm?" Byakuren cocked her head to the side. "What's worrying you?"

"You don't seem like the kind of woman who would do something like this," Rinnosuke said.

Byakuren frowned. "...It was Nue's suggestion, actually. I was against it at first, but after talking with Shou and Mina, we all decided that I should at least try something fun once in a while."

"I think Nue might have had something different in mind," Rinnosuke sighed. He made a mental note to give the money to Byakuren personally, and nobody on her behalf.

* * *

"Lessee... first date?" Marisa waved her legs back and forth, lost in thought. "I dunno, maybe we could raid a bookstore together or somethin'? Then get wasted, of course."

"Assuming your date is made of sturdier moral fiber than you, what then?" Rinnosuke said sternly.

"Well if you're twistin' my arm here, just the getting drunk part would be fine. I can knock over a bookstore myself later."

* * *

"Dinner and a movie is a tired first date idea in the outside world," Sanae said, "but in Gensokyo I feel it would be quite exciting. I wonder what the cultural substitute for a movie theater would be?"

"You could perhaps go see a play, or watch Ms. Margatroid perform with her dolls," Rinnosuke suggested.

"Ah, the kinds of stories I enjoy can't be simulated with such things," Sanae chuckled.

"Hm? What kinds of stories are you talking about?"

"Well, my favorites usually involve giant robots and the destruction of at least one planet," Sanae smiled. "Special effects are key."

* * *

"Well, it would have to be inside the mansion," Remilia said, "since I can't exactly go outside on the average day. But we could have plenty of fun inside."

"Well, what might you suggest?" Rinnosuke asked.

"When I get especially bored, I ask Patche to read me some of her books. Those are always fun."

Rinnosuke's eyes widened. "The librarian? I'm surprised you can understand her books. Normal conversation with her is hard enough to follow as it is."

"Oh, they're not hard at all," Remilia said, puffing her chest out proudly. "Though the last one she read me did take some thought."

"Hm? What was it about?" Rinnosuke asked.

"The life cycle and diet of the danaus plexippus," Remilia said. "They showed it eating through some fruits... but with each different fruit, the number it ate through went up! After a while, it was hard to keep up with. And that twist at the end, with the butterfly... that came totally out of nowhere!"

Rinnosuke's eyes narrowed. "Miss Scarlet, do you remember the name of this book?"

"Huh? Let's see... I think it was... oh, right! _The Very Hungry Caterpillar_."

Rinnosuke exchanged an awkward glance with Sakuya before sighing and burying his face in his palms.

* * *

"There's a very beautiful waterfall a short walk away from the temple," Byakuren said in a warm voice. "It runs all year round, and even though it may be a little chilly, I think a picnic by it would be great."

"It would be quite cold..." Rinnosuke said. "How cold is it around there usually?"

"Hm... I'm unsure what it's like around it, since I'm usually meditating directly under it. But where I usually sit, the temperature is frequently below zero."

"That... sounds far too cold for a human to enjoy," Rinnosuke shuddered.

"Well, afterward, we could warm up in the temple while we pray together," Byakuren smiled. "Prayer sessions usually only take a couple hours, but that should be plenty of time to warm back up."

"A couple hours, huh?"

"Well, if it goes well, we could extend it a few more~."

* * *

"We're going to change the subject a little bit..." Rinnosuke said, straightening his glasses. "Now, feel free to stop me if this gets too awkward for you."

"The very fact that you need to say that means that yes, it WILL get too awkward for me," Reimu spat. "But please, continue."

"We're going to discuss something of a more... intimate nature."

* * *

"Eh?" Marisa scratched her head. "I don't even know what that word means."

"You know," Rinnosuke said, searching for some tactful words to use. "Like, in bed."

* * *

"Huh? Bed?" Remilia was completely lost.

"Lady Remilia, I recommend we avoid this line of questions altogether," Sakuya said sternly.

"Right, then," Remilia nodded. "Next!"

* * *

"Intimate times, huh?" Sanae leaned back in her seat. "Not much for me to say there. I'm not the most adventurous person in bed. Oh, not to say that I'm not open to trying new things, though."

"I was expecting a completely different response from you," Rinnosuke said, surprised.

"Eh? What would give you that idea?" Sanae asked.

"Well..."

* * *

"There wouldn't be any," Reimu said plainly.

"...Huh?" Rinnosuke was stunned by Reimu's frank answer.

"Yup, you heard me." Reimu closed her eyes.

"Nothing... at all?"

"I'm a shrine maiden," Reimu said. "In fact, not just _a_ shrine maiden, I'm _the_ shrine maiden. I need to retain my purity until I find a husband and am ready to bear the daughter who will become the next Hakurei shrine maiden. So any of that stuff? Probably not gonna happen."

* * *

"I still don't understand," Marisa said. "I've shared a bed with people before, I don't really see what the big deal is. ...Although..."

"Hm?" Rinnosuke leaned closer to Marisa.

"Now that I think of it, I've slept in the same bed as Alice a couple times recently, and she always seems so uncomfortable. She starts breathin' heavily, and her face becomes really red. Then she usually doesn't talk to me at all the next day."

* * *

"O-oh..." Byakuren shifted around nervously in her seat.

"Yeah... this is one reason why I was surprised to see you sign up for this," Rinnosuke sighed.

"I mean... um... I-I think that two people expressing their love in an intimate way is beautiful, but..." Byakuren's face became flushed, and she turned her head to avoid Rinnosuke's gaze. "...As long as I am a devout Buddhist nun, such relations are forbidden to me. So any expressions of love would need to take more... wholesome forms."

* * *

Rinnosuke sighed. In his hands he held the five tapes that he had spent so long recording. "Maybe Sanae's and Miss Hijiri's will be salvageable. The rest will probably have to go."

"Hmm~? Don't you have one more to record?" A disembodied voice resounded through the room, seemingly coming from everywhere at once.

"I wasn't planning on it," Rinnosuke said.

"Oh, boo." A small line appeared in the air, widening into what appeared to be an opening in the very fabric of space. A blonde woman's head popped out of the distortion. "And I was gonna put on my cutest voice, too."

"Can I help you, Yukari?" Rinnosuke sighed.

"Probably not," Yukari said, stepping out of the gap. "And I think you're the one that needs helping right now. You owe the kappa 50,000 yen, don't you? I don't think you're going to earn enough to cover it."

"Don't remind me," Rinnosuke said.

"So let's make one more video," Yukari winked. "I'll make sure you get some high bids."

Rinnosuke looked over Yukari. Despite all the unsavory things about her, he couldn't deny that she could be unbelievably charming when she wanted to. "...All right, fine. Let's get this over with."

* * *

Rinnosuke set up the camera one last time as Yukari took the seat in front of it. "Name, age, and occupation, please."

"Hi~!" Yukari cheered in a voice far higher-pitched than her usual tone. "My name is Yukari Yakumo. I'm 17 years old, and I help Reimu maintain the Great Hakurei Border."

"...So you're 17, huh?" Rinnosuke sighed. "You sure you're not lying?"

"Why, how old do you think I am?" Yukari said with feigned offense.

"You don't want me to answer that."

"Hmph. Let's just put it this way; I'm older than anyone else you'll ever meet."

"What are some of your hobbies?" Rinnosuke asked.

"I love watching people," Yukari smiled. "Seeing them, talking to them, learning about them... everyone in the world is so interesting to me."

"That's... kinda creepy, actually," Rinnosuke said. "Anyway, moving on. What's your idea of a perfect first date?"

"Hm..." Yukari thought for a moment. "I'm up for anything, really. Going for a walk, eating dinner, getting a drink..."

"Well, you certainly sound like an enjoyable person to be around," Rinnosuke said, not fully believing his own words. "Anyway, that brings this profile to a close-"

"Whoa, hold on there!" Yukari interrupted. "Isn't there one last question you need to ask me?"

"..." Rinnosuke stayed silent. This was certainly one subject he didn't want to bring up with Yukari.

"C'mon, out with it," Yukari goaded.

"...Okay... what are some of your more... intimate desires?"

Yukari's face twisted into a dark smirk. "Good question. For starters..."

* * *

"I'm gonna have to destroy it," Rinnosuke said, holding the tape of Yukari's profile. "Even if I were to use it, the money wouldn't be clean."

"I'm still gonna charge you for it," Nitori laughed.

"Yeah, yeah, fine, I get it. Here." Rinnosuke handed a stack of bills to Nitori, who immediately began to flip through them.

"55, 56, 57, 58, 59... 60,000. Pleasure doing business with you!" Nitori waved and ran out the door.

Rinnosuke sighed. With any luck, Sanae and Byakuren could help him break even. In the worst-case scenario, he would have to show Yukari's as well.

* * *

"10,000 each? That's a little shrewd, isn't it?" Aya asked.

"I think it's reasonable," Nitori answered. "Besides, I wanted a flat rate."

"All of the girls were being payed a percentage, right?"

Nitori nodded. "Rinnosuke said the split was 60/40, in his favor."

"So why did you want a flat rate?"

"Because I knew it was gonna end terribly," Nitori sighed. "Those girls are insane. I'm surprised he made enough to avoid taking a loss."

"Oh, right." Aya pulled out a pad of paper and a pen. "Do you know how much each went for?"

"Hm... Reimu went for about 22,000. Marisa and Remilia didn't do well at all. But Sanae and Byakuren went for over 40,000 each."

Aya scribbled down the numbers. "And Yukari?"

"This is where I start to feel bad for the guy," Nitori chuckled. "Yukari went for over 200,000 yen."

"Impressive," Aya said, taking some more notes.

"Not really. He had to refund the money because she slept through the date."

Aya closed her notebook. "I'll see what I do regarding a story about it. But I don't think it will turn out very well. He seems to be pretty sympathetic in this situation."

"What, for failing to turn a profit off of selling some girls to lonely guys? Sounds like he got his just deserts to me," Nitori chuckled.

"Perhaps, but it needs to be sensationalized some more. I'll see if I can't have half the Human Village hating him by this time tomorrow."

"H-hey now," Nitori stuttered, "now who's taking it too far?"

* * *

Closing

Well, there it is. I really wish I had thought of the idea earlier, since I had so much more I wanted to do. Yukari's part would have been mixed in with the others', Sakuya would have gotten her part after driving Remilia out of the room, and Ran would have been in as well. Marisa's attitude would have been different, since I originally intended for Youmu to be the one who didn't understand all the innuendo.

There were going to be more questions too, and even a few that you only got to hear one or two of the girls answer. Ah, well. There's always next year, I guess. Thanks for reading!


End file.
